Mother asks what to do about her “dreamer” son
Hm, what to do about your big dreamer whose ideas seem so impractical, like his wanting to build a raft. Yes, I do have an idea. Don’t you be the one to show him his impracticality. Let natural consequences work for you. Let him come to the problems and solve them with your help or realize they can’t be solved. You will relieve yourself of a great deal of pressure. Both of you, actually. I’d recommend the books, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk and Between Parent and Teenager (which might be good to read now even though your son is still an adolescent and I actually think it works well on husbands, too.
Anyway, the gist of those books is that the parent is the child’s advocate. Let him learn his hard knocks in the world and you be his safe place to fall. No idea is impossible. He might end up with a very primitive raft or he may come up with some way to make it happen that you couldn’t see or he may realize it can’t be done. But it won’t be you standing in his way. It’ll be you doing your best to help him find a way. Without protecting him from reality. I don’t mean you’d pay for materials, for example. But maybe he wants to try to sell something at school to earn the money. Jordan and I made lollipops and he sold them in his dad’s retail store for extra money. But I had his first deduct the cost of materials and of my labor so he’d know his true profit.
I would focus on looking for opportunities for him to help in grown up ways and to dream with him on his big ideas.
Maybe you worry that you will have to make it happen in the end — like how you were willing to go along on the raft as long as you thought he wasn’t serious. And then it was when YOU saw the barriers. Of course you will see these sooner than he does. But if you let him find them out for himself, you are no longer the bringer of the bad news. Life will teach him those lessons and in a more real way. And who knows? he might surprise you with clever ideas of how to make his ideas happen. Maybe that’s his gift. Only by letting him try will you (both) know.
Response from the mother: I am soooo glad you gave me that advice on how to handle Randy’s big dreams. Shortly after the episode with the paddle boat, he decided he wanted to build a raft out of styrofoam scraps he got at a friend’s house. I withheld my “reasons why that won’t work” and instead found myself saying, “How can I help?” Well, he managed to fasten some wood to the styrofoam, lash it together with string and straps (that’s the part I helped with – he did almost the whole thing himself and was still in charge of my part.) When it was all ready we packed it in the van (with George giving me askance looks and both of us wondering how wet he would get) and took it to a stream about 15 minutes away. Angie even went to watch (we had intended for her to ride too, but once Randy climbed on we realized there wasn’t enough room.) (Angie is watching me write this, and wants to add that we saw a huge black spider too, bigger than any I’ve seen around here before.) Randy wore his swimsuit just in case, even though it was only 50 degrees out, and of course a life vest since the water was a little deep in parts – and went down the stream on that raft! He taped on cookies for a snack (I didn’t tell him they’d get all wet, which they did, but he was OK with that because I let him try.) He was so proud, and we took his picture. Surprisingly, the raft held up until he stepped on it to climb out, and it broke in half. But he did get his rafting trip on his own raft, and his thoughts weren’t “Oh no, my raft broke,” but “What can I do different next time.” So I thank you for that wonderful experience. His current project is trying to make his Yerf dog (kind of like a “bigwheel” for big kids) fly. He’s rigged up a chain of sorts between the front and back wheels with the intention that if he pedals fast enough, this chain will transfer energy into 2 arrows he’s taped together like helicopter blades, and it will lift him up. Now if that works, I’ll be sure to call the newspaper! But we are having fun working on it together. He wants to go on-line next to see if there is any info on making bikes fly…..
Same mother a season later: It’s a snow day today, and Randy built an “ice rink” in our back yard – George was discouraging him but I remembered the incident with the raft so decided just to let it go where it would. He dug out the surface in the snow, put a tarp down and banked the sides. Then there it sat for about a week until yesterday when we noticed it was filling with rain water. We knew it would be freezing over night so we (Randy and I) went out a filled tubs with water to dump in the area. As we were doing this (and I was feeling it in my back, although honestly having fun with it) Randy asked if it brought back childhood memories, since Dad built us an ice rink every year when I was little. I replied, yes, but he used the hose. Then we just looked at each other and laughed – of course – the hose! So we hooked it up and it was much easier. It will be another fond memory and I’m so glad you gave me that advice those years ago about letting kids find their own limits, not set them for them.
And now I’ve heard from her again (her son is now 18): Randy is working on designing a t-shirt and hopes to become an overnight millionaire with it. I’ve brought up having a business plan, maybe taking a “how to start a business” class at the community college, but he’s hoping to have a couple famous people wear his shirt and have business take off from there. I’m available if he needs help (which he hasn’t asked for, but I let him know to ask if he needed it) but I’m not being a naysayer or putting up roadblocks. Who knows – Randy does seem to have that good luck streak. You’ve given me lots of good advice over the years, and the one that has really hit home was to let the kids run with it and not be their obstacle – I keep a picture of Randy on his homemade raft with that silly grin on his face up in my room and look at it every day as a reminder.
The mother wrote to me again: Rancy is working on designing a t-shirt and hopes to become an overnight millionaire with it. I’ve brought up having a business plan, maybe taking a “how to start a business” class at the community college, but he’s hoping to have a couple famous people wear his shirt and have business take off from there. I’m available if he needs help (which he hasn’t asked for, but I let him know to ask if he needed it) but I’m not being a naysayer or putting up roadblocks. Who knows – Randy does seem to have that good luck streak. You’ve given me lots of good advice over the years, and the one that has really hit home was to let the kids run with it and not be their obstacle – I keep a picture of Randy on his homemade raft with that silly grin on his face up in my room and look at it every day as a reminder.